Boys and girls of the school age, I welcome you to join me in a little talk over tea, oddly shaped biscuits and peppered dodo. This talk is one that has been had for centuries, so much so that it has begun to lose that old sacred air that used to hang around it. Or maybe it hasn’t, and maybe we all just grew up and watched the cobwebs melt off the face of sex.
Aahh. Yes. Sex. The most profane act of them all. The dirtiest, most disgusting, most delicious,frowned-upon joining of sweaty bodies known to mankind.
Our parents introduced us to it with stark ugliness -- the loss of your precious innocence. The burning of genitals after. The accidental fetus with the missing father.
We made our own discoveries too -- the “That’s it?” after your first time. Then the “Oh-Sweet-Mother-of-God” that followed your first orgasm. Other things came into the mix too. The dance between you and your partner -- sexual beings waiting to mate. Dressing up and showing off colored plumage. Eyeing each other like prey, and getting swept away so suddenly, by, feelings.
(The break-ups that followed won’t be discussed here, too much pain. We don’t want screens clouded with tears).
So what, you ask, is the reason for all this talk about sex?. Well, just imagine it as you and your friend (who is exponentially smarter because he drinks tea) talking about life and stuff. A post-childhood sex talk of sorts.
Not everything in sexual adventuring goes smoothly, look at that, your parents were right. When sex is not treated with respect, it can be a very ugly, very dangerous and very unshapely beast.
Sex usually involves the exchange of bodily fluids (a lot by mouth, most dangerously by genitalia) and is usually speedy business for people who aren’t robots. For this reason, the issue of protection must arise. After lengthy kissing and rubbing and other stuff, the urge to just get it over with comes on so strong. Use protection. That round piece of weird smelling rubber called a condom could save you a lot of trouble – unwanted children, harmful abortions, STDs that make your loins feel like the Highway to Hell, HIV/AIDs (which is still the most harmful sexually transmitted disease in the history of mankind.)
Condoms are very safe (more than 80% actually) but once in a while a tiny pinhole rips in the latex during intercourse and fluids still get exchanged, this is why routine tests must be a part of your life as a sexually active adult. Tests are available at almost all hospitals. There are free HIV/AIDs tests that come with free Fanta and biscuits, so yeah, you have no reason to not get tested every quarter.
While movies and stories may make the one-night stand sexy, the reality is usually the equivalent of diving with great white sharks. The idea that sex with a person you know very little about and might never see again is somehow more ‘powerful’ than sex with someone you are friends with is simply ridiculous. Try this out before you drop “trou” or skirt next time; get to know the person first before exchanging bodily fluids with them. Just talk, I mean we are all human beings with our unique histories, rich with eccentricity, personal troubles and little joys. You never know what you might learn just by sharing space or innocent information with people.
You could also decide to not have sex. Weird right? But yeah, you could decide that whatever thing you’re doing right now -- getting a certificate, a degree, learning a trade -- is more fun than rubbing your genitalia with someone else for the kick of it. The Christians purport that sex was created for the sole purpose of creating offspring anyway.
Finally, as my tea finishes and I can’t stand to talk to you anymore, I have one last piece of advice for you. Face your books. Be they 5,000-page tomes from school, or tiny bits of knowledge you gleam off the internet, keep learning. Reading is fundamental to survival and it will make you the fittest.
I’m a thousand-year old monk, by the way. I know nothing about sex.